2015 Game Show Turdament -- Round of 64

Ernie: We're wrapping up first-round action in four of our turdament sites. Let's check out those matches.

Match #13

Another #1 seed will go into battle. This time, it's the overall #1 seed in Texas, and it's hoping that it doesn't become shark bait like Engvall's Lingo did earlier.



Card Sharks (Syn, 2001, Pat Bullard)

Everything we knew and loved about "Card Sharks" was senselessly murdered by Pearson-Fremantle to produce this piece of dreck, complete with that grinning fool who's still faker than a $12 bill.

Who's trying to pull a Lie Detectors against our top turdament seed? We've already seen it play, so it looks like it's prepared to try another monumental upset.



Bingo America (GSN, 2008, Patrick Duffy)

Earlier, Bobby Ewing could muster only 59 against the 95 points posted by Mr. Goodhair and the tic-tac-toe board of B-listers.

Match #14

The Wagner Bracket in Idaho has a cash-tastic crapfest from ABC in the #6 slot:



Show Me the Money (ABC, 2006, William Shatner)

The exact words that Shatner said to the producers when they gave him the job of hosting this piece of Shatner. When you try to spice up a bland Q&A format with pole dancers, this is the disaster you'll end up with. Supposedly, ABC ordered 13 episodes of this, but they canceled the show after the fifth episode. GSN picked up the unaired episodes, but the show was so bad that even GSN canceled it after #2.

And Shatner has the dubious honor of playing against what could be a sleeper in this turdament. The #11 seed from the play-in match:



Shoppers Casino (Syn, 1987, Jeff Maxwell)

This show may have been spoken of only in hushed tones for 25 years, but the voters were very loud earlier in this turdament when they handed the house a 100-10 loss against Identity.

Match #15

Down in Virginia, the Burleson Bracket presents this #5 seed that should have stayed behind Door #4:



Let's Make a Deal (NBC, 2003, Billy Bush)

The biggest Bush disaster of 2003 that didn't involve a codpiece and a "Mission Accomplished" banner.

Billy will have to deal with a remake of a classic kid's game show in the #12 position:



Double Dare 2000 (Nickelodeon, 2000, Jason Harris)

Without Marc Summers around, this revival became one hot mess.

Match #16

Finally, in Iowa, the #6 seed is another weak link from those rocket scientists at GSN:



Chain Reaction (GSN, 2006-07, Dylan Lane) -- no video available

A word association game gone to crap, as a daily battle-of-the-sexes was hosted by a human troll doll who was a total GAME/COCK/SURE/THING.

The human troll doll will lock horns with another one of our play-in losers:



The Newlywed Game (Syn, 1988-89, Paul Rodriguez)

GSN's Newlywed Game was dubbed the lesser of the two evils, and Rodriguez's version was handed a 52-25 defeat.

Votes on these four matches will end on Thursday July 16 at 7:30 PM Eastern.

After a little video review, I think I might actually be able to vote in all four matches this time! Let's go to it...

Match 13: Bingo America was a decent if unspectacular game made from scratch, and it did its job well enough to justify its spot on GSN. Bullard Card Sharks is a horrific mangling of a tried and true classic format. Sure, there's the higher/lower card calling and the Money Cards are present (if mangled), but almost everything else about the format is nigh-unrecognizable as the favorite we've come to know and love. This one's not even close - Patrick Duffy BINGOs twice over with 10 points, while Patrick Bullard gets a pity point and a punch out of the preliminaries.

Match 14: Another one that won't be close. When I made my unofficial vote in the preliminaries, I gave Shopper's Casino two points against Identity... and upon further review, I feel I was being far too generous. Show Me the Money I've had the opportunity to check out fairly recently, and while it is cheesy in spots, it's still very enjoyable, with a good balanced difficulty that allowed players to win pretty big. Shopper's Casino... is just a hot steaming pile of crap that has more advertising than actual gameplay, it seems, and the gameplay is pretty bad too. So I'm going to do something I've yet to do in this tournament, and that's award a sweep. Show Me the Money gets shown the exit door with 11 points, while Shopper's Casino buys its way into the Round of 32 with a big fat bagel.

Match 15: Here we have a battle of the not-great-but-okay revivals. Bush Deal is certainly no Hall Deal, but that doesn't mean it's bad by any means. Billy Bush is pretty generic and sometimes a bit overly chummy with the contestants, but again he gets the job done without any glaring problems. Heck, I'll give this version points over Brady Deal for actually having two players in the Big Deal! On the other side, Double Dare 2000 is a solid revival of the original Summers Double Dare (not to be confused with Trebek Double Dare). It gets knocked for things like the Triple Dare Challenge, which is admittedly a bit draggy but I understand that they were trying to up the excitement factor with it. Neither of these shows should end up anywhere close to the chumpionship, but one has to move on. In a close match, Double Dare 2000 slips and slides its way to 7 points, while Bush Deal finds the leftover 4 inside the big box.

Match 16: Lane Reaction is nowhere near as good as Cullen Reaction, but it's still solid for a GSN production. It's lived on past its cancellation in reruns and is even being revived later this month (albeit with a new host and who knows what other changes). On the other side of the match is Rodriguez's Newlyweds, which took only two points from Wilson's Newlyweds in my unofficial play-in vote. It's not improved in my estimations since then, even after I've reviewed the video, so I'll stand by that score. Lane Reaction completes the chain/reaction/time/flies out of the turdament with 9, while Rodriguez's Newlyweds must settle for the other 2.

This. All of this. This was the main problem with both GSN versions of the show -- the chains were all watered down to two-word phrases or terms. When your contestants can't figure out a word when it's literally completely spelled out in front of them, there's a problem.

There's also the issue of Instant Reaction not offering anything in Season 1 if you failed to reach the Doubler threshold (seven right answers early on, five right answers later on), leading to one team who had a trainwreck of an endgame trying to quit when it was clear they weren't gonna win anything...and Lame Lane refusing to let them.

Ernie: Welcome back to CBS's exclusive coverage of the 1st Annual Game Show Turdament. It's time to go down to Sarasota, Florida, for the bottom half of the Rosen Bracket. With a look at the first match, here's Andrew Catalon and Steve Lappas.

Match #17

Andrew: Thank you very much, Ernie. Our first game in Florida is another very interesting 3-14 battle.

Steve: That's right. We could see another #14 seed slip into the second round tonight. But first, let's take a look at our #3 seed, a show that might have competed for a #1 seed if Pearson had stuck with its original choice of host, Charlene Tilton:



Match Game (Syn, 1998-99, Michael Burger)

Wanna have the most fun you've ever had watching a game show? Well... go somewhere else! A five-celebrity panel, a glut of censored answers, and cheap payouts were just a preview of the destruction that Pearson-Fremantle would ultimately foist on the game show world.

Andrew: The Match Game revival will match up against one of the cheapest kid's game shows in TV history... and surprisingly, Scott Sternberg wasn't even involved!



Thousand Dollar Bee (Black Family Channel, 2004-07, Sinatra Onieyewacki)

Cheap theme song, boring host, annoying assistant, shoddy production, terrible format, and virtually nonexistent prize budget. How this piece of crap ran for three years has baffled many game show fans. This show sucked. S-U-C-K-E-D. Sucked! And if you didn't want to slap that stupid bowtie off of "wacky" host Sinatra, then you don't love America.

Steve: If you thought those two shows were awful, just wait until you see the last six games in this end of our bracket. For more craptacular shows, let's go out to Saratoga Springs, Utah, where Ian Eagle and Doug Gottlieb have action in the Wagner Bracket.

Match #18

Ian: Thanks, Steve. Tonight's first match in the Wagner Bracket will truly be painful to watch.

Doug: Sad to say that you're exactly right, Ian. The #5 seed premiered only a couple of months ago, but it has proved itself to be a strong contender for worst game show ever. You knew we had to get around to this one eventually, so let's not delay it any longer.



500 Questions (ABC, 2015, Richard Quest)

A hyped-up primetime game show that was more about the geniuses and the questions than the money... but they couldn't even get the questions part of it right. Nine hours of this format wasn't nearly enough to ask 500 of them. Quest's hand gestures regarding the wrong answers also grew tiresome by the end of the first episode.

Ian: And if you thought that show was brutal, check out the other ABC flop in the #12 position:



The Chair (ABC, 2002, John McEnroe)

Not nearly as inhumane as The Chamber, but this quizzer still made a lot of game show fans redline.

Doug: If our viewers and voters can stomach any more, we're going to Altoona, Pennsylvania. Kevin Harlan and Reggie Miller have the first match in the Burleson Bracket.

Match #19

Kevin: Thanks, Doug. Boy, do we have a real pair of turkeys to kick off the action in the Keystone State.

Reggie: Gobble, gobble! You can always count on NBC to deliver a prime piece of poop. Here's another one of them, and it's our #6 seed:



Take It All (NBC, 2012, Howie Mandel) -- no video available

A big-budget version of an old party game (White Elephant) got its party crashed by the worst concept in game show history (Prisoner's Dilemma). The nail in the coffin for this show was the contestant who took advantage of an openly gay anti-bullying advocate and took hundreds of thousands of dollars away from him... just in time for Christmas! This show made us wish we were watching Jasper Carrott's Golden Balls.

Kevin: The competition that Howie will have to take on? This month, we're celebrating the 40th anniversary of this turkey's death:



The Diamond Head Game (Syn, 1975, Bob Eubanks)

Bob himself correctly referred to this Hawaiian volcano-sized bomb as "the worst piece of beep-beep".

Reggie: But wait, folks! We have dessert, too! You'll find it with Mike Gminski and Jaime Maggio in Norman, Oklahoma.

Match #20

Mike: Thanks, Reggie. I don't know why we got stuck with the Goddard Bracket, but we're leading off with two of the most brainless game shows ever.

Jaime: The even worse news is that only one of these bombs can move on. Let's get this over with. The #4 seed:



Set for Life (ABC, 2007, Jimmy Kimmel) -- no video available

A mindless big-money show with an unknown, possibly arbitrary, qualifying round that determined how much money each contestant played for. The British version actually aired its opening round, but it was just as boring over there. Once called "Jimmy Kimmel's Flashlight Derby" by Travis Eberle.

Mike: And here comes the #13 seed. Fat people will want to avoid this one like the plague.



Hole in the Wall (FOX/Cartoon Network, 2008-12, Brooke Burns/Teck Holmes)

One of the most mindless game shows ever to air on primetime network TV, and clearly the worst game show derived from a Japanese game show. Why the hell couldn't we watch Panel Quiz Attack 25 instead?

Jaime: Votes are due by Sunday July 19 at 10:30 PM Eastern.

After some video review of shows I'd read about but never seen, I have four votes all lined up and ready to go...

Match 17: I honestly don't hate Match Game 98. Maybe it's because I first saw it as a child, but I've always had a soft spot for this incarnation even though it's not as true to the format as it could be. It may have flopped, but it was certainly a better revival than Bullard Card Sharks, and a long ways better as a game show than its opponent. Thousand Dollar Bee is a steaming pile of crap with a heaping helping of dafuq on the side. It should easily make the Elite Eight and struggle with the aforementioned Bullard Sharks for a Final Four spot. Match Game 98 fills all the BLANKs for 10, while Thousand Dollar Bee gets stung by the pity point.

Match 18: I hadn't seen The Chair before this, but I had known it by reputation, and the video pretty much confirms every bad thing I'd heard. If you want a good game with heart monitoring involved, 1000 Heartbeats from the UK is one to follow, not this one - this one is BAD. Heck, the first player in the clip WASN'T EVEN ABLE TO PLAY THE GAME because his heart rate stayed above the redline for his entire time in the chair, which disallowed him from answering the question he clearly had cold. Also, just one wrong answer was enough to kill a whole game, as evidenced by the other player in the clip, who got unceremoniously bounced by the video question - could they not have introduced some kind of penalty that reduced money or put her in danger WITHOUT ending the game on the spot? Either way, 500 Questions is clearly the better show of the two, although it had some terrible flaws of its own (like underusing the challenging player or, you know, not even reaching the 500 question mark WHICH IS IN THE TITLE OF THE SHOW?). Both of these belong in the tourney for sure, but sadly one has to go home now. 500 Questions backs its way into 9 points, while The Chair drops a big number 2 en route to its next match.

Match 19: Take it All was standard NBC holiday fare. There's nothing impressive about it, and it trots out the overused Prisoner's Dilemma yet again, but it does what it came to do, which is plug a schedule slot during the time of year where next to nobody watches network television. The Diamond Head Game, on the other hand, is just a mess in most aspects. The elimination games are only played best-of-three, because it seems they couldn't bother with scoreboards and tracked points using the eyeballs on the tiki podiums - a race to two is not exciting or compelling in any way, especially when you can score by an opponent blowing it. The final round of repeating objects off a list is super bland - they would've done better with a choose-items-fitting-a-theme round a la Pass the Buck - and it flies by so fast it's impossible to follow which player has control till they've made a mistake. The Money Volcano isn't terrible, but it's a total crapshoot that requires no skill or knowledge of any kind, just blind luck of grabbing paper in a wind tunnel (and what happens if some uncoordinated schmoe fails to grab anything?). The set is sparse in some spots and too busy in others, and the outdoor stage makes the wind a constant distraction (though credit to the sound engineers, none of it comes through on tape that I heard). Diamond Head Game is no Thousand Dollar Bee or Shopper's Casino, but it will join the likes of them in the Round of 32. Take it All takes the most with 8 points, while the Diamond Head Game will have to make the best of 3.

Match 20: Set for Life is another one of those big-money shows that tried to jump on the Deal or No Deal bandwagon, offering tons of cash off of a luck-based game with no skill involved other than knowing when to quit. It's enjoyable to watch, but not compelling enough to make me seek it out... it did its job to fill a slot, but didn't catch on well enough to survive longer. Hole in the Wall is the result of producers trying to turn part of a Japanese game show into an entire US game show. The gameplay is repetitive because... well, what else are you gonna do with a wall with holes in it? This seems like something Nickelodeon could have added slime and other stunts to and made a new sensation, but instead it plugged a gap on Cartoon Network (a channel not particularly well known for live-action productions) and died quietly in the night. Both of these I'm kind of borderline on their turdament inclusion, but both are here and one clearly deserves to advance more. Set for Life pulls up the white light and 9 points to go with it, while Hole in the Wall drops the other 2 into the water.

Harvey feud carries over the syndicated series tradition of game show production on a budget, and then there's the dependence on risqué content to make it a cash cow. At least it's not a Millionaire clone, and I do enjoy how Steve reacts to dumb answers. Overall though, I'm not a fan of the version.

Jep! was a bit less original than Wheel 2000, and it feels like the production staff were self-conscious.

Harvey Feud (7 points) to Jep! (4 points).

(By the way, I love the "video not necessary" remark.)